the glass wall between

Past 12 midnight on a Wednesday. I was trying to figure out how to edit the Visual Basic code to change something in my macro, and the Bulgarian intern who sits behind me was at my desk helping me. He leaned on my desk and typed on my keyboard.

I was thrown off balance. Something in the air? situation? seemed to remind of something else which I could not put my finger on. I strained to figure it out. And then it struck me -

It was the air. A smell.

I sniffed cautiously, discreetly. It was the scent of my ex-boyfriend. My intern smelled like my ex-boyrfriend.

I secretly gazed at the profile of the tall broad guy sitting next to me, his face a picture of concentration at the jumble of codes on the computer.

If it's true that our olfactory sense is the engine of our desire, it's no wonder that I found him attractive from the start.

Life can be both beautiful and twisted at the same time.

happy birthday to me

posted on 18th July, Monday:

i woke up and went in to work on my birthday. intended to go shopping after. but i was so exhausted, i just DIED on my bed for the entire afternoon. felt drugged and heavy-limbed, had to struggle through a fog to answer phone calls.

had a lovely dinner with the housemates at Cafe Japan, a place in Golders Green that i've heard three separate people raving about to me. sushi, sashimi, unagi and grilled miso black cod to end my month-long vegetarianism that I began exactly a month before my birthday.

reasons for which were:
- to feel a sense of personal development... and being vegetarian is something i can pursue, even while spending 24/7 at the office
- to develop discipline. giving up something, sticking to a resolution instils discipline
- to detoxify my system and include more fibre in my diet. i actually do believe too much meat makes me lethargic. and i don't need all the excess energy anyway. plus, meat is probably filled with more toxins than vege. -- my friends said that my skin actually improved!! hooray
- karma. it's not terribly good karma from a buddhist-ic perspective to kill animals etc. so i might as well improve my karma, especially in the month before my birthday. i also specifically wanted to live more spiritually to bring some tranquility into my life
- weight loss. the last time i turned vegetarian for a month, i lost weight
- why not? it breaks up the monotony of life

so the food was excellent. loved it loved it loved it.

p/s: just fyi. went back to being vegetarian the next day. am extending this for another month. :)

Lepak

Dinner with my two lovely Ludham girls at China Inn. Grand talk of dreams, plans; discussion of socio-economic policies, politics. A semi-serious-casual remark from M that rapidly gained traction in my mind. An idea that I'd been half-considering, that my dad has constantly pushing, a few friends often mentioned, and M and I previously batted about, tonight gained a sudden sense of reality. Its edges and detail brought into sharp focus by the sudden thought: "Why not?" just as I have reached the nadir of my short career thus far.

And in a way, it's great... with the grand plan in mind, I can hopefully feel a renewed sense of purpose. Keeping the greater goal and the medium term in focus. Overlooking the tedium - learning, with the intention that the learning will be applied to a more productive end. I need a sense of direction, the sense that my life is going somewhere, instead of just floundering around in this mess. Most of my life, I'd been happy to do almost anything, because I always felt I could observe and learn, and apply my knowledge eventually.

In my job, while there is scope for learning, given the ultimate meaninglessness of the work, it's difficult to feel a sense of moble purpose that would make all my effort worthwhile. The fact is, increasingly, I am not quite sure I want to languish forever in this industry.

Our after dinner talk was lively and stimulating. Dream-like, yet grounded in reality. Not just of distant ideals, but of nearer trips, plans to meet up. It actually seems possible, probable. Almost like this is not truly a farewell. Merely a conversation that is put on hold (I am always returning to this idea of friendships as conversations) when you pick up a short call on your other line.

How I loved it. This normalness - the Malaysian institution of "lepaking" at a "mamak stall" - which I find so rare and precious. I realise that I have that much of Malaysian-ness in me to like the chilling out and the post-meal BS-session. This is life.

Twilight

I've been all kinds of tired, grumpy, irritable, and exhausted recently. Nodding in cabs etcetera. Which is, for me, as clear a warning of extreme exhaustion as any. Only problem is, I don't quite understand why.

This weekend though, was a real killer. I have outdone myself. And yet, this was a unique weekend, a rare weekend with a twilight, surreal mixture of events activities and emotions that I suspect might never be replicated.

Dinner with my housemates at a crowded Italian near my place.

A walk along the river Thames in the darkest part of the night - after midnight, long before the hope of dawn - which brought me light and peace. But also tears. The end of an era in my mind.

Rising at 5 after closing my shining eyes at 3.30. A trip to Billingsgate market (a fish market). I have never been to a market dedicated solely to fish and all things seafood. Pictures galore. Took a picture of the fish-stall-owner and he gave me his name card and asked me to send him the picture.

Slumber.

Had a go at making food. Firstly, tried to replicate my mom's delicious coleslaw that I used to love eating while growing up. Except that I put in purple cabbage instead of the regular one, and skipped the Thousand Island dressing, and added extra white wine vinegar to soften the cabbage and...

Also tried making a lovely tomato and mozarella salad from the 2-pound recipe book I'd bought from Greenwich some time ago. My first time trying to make food from a bought recipe book.

Barbeque. Loads of great food. But I stuck to my salads because I'm being vegetarian for a month or two. Had fun being all silly and taking photos at every instance. Like the cosy, relaxing atmosphere. Turns out it was a combined surprise birthday celebration for me and another housemate whose birthday is also in July. I've never had a surprise birthday party before. It's great, because it managed to overleap my birthday depression. Every year, I get almost incurably depressed on my birthday. And this year, it's been building up for a few weeks.

Slept with my housemate who is leaving London for good come Tuesday. It's been a while.

Then a day trip to Isle of Wight on Sunday. Mostly spent asleep on the bus. But some idllyic, paradisical countryside. Pebbled beaches, glittering seas, misty horizons.

Home was a downer. Work that should have been done before, a disappointed boss -- but she doesn't know how exhausted I have been, and how I have no choice, I couldn't, wouldn't have done this weekend differently -- and no last farewell (perhaps it is just as well).

Another week tomorrow. (Does it ever end?)

A breather. July, I feel, might be a really strange month.

London rocks

... not just in the explosion way, but in the way that everyone kept their composure, and the way the people in charge got public transport up and running again.

Personally, I rather suspect nothing can ruffle Londoners' feathers -- that no matter what happens, Londoners will adapt, and carry on with their life

I must say that there are times when I feel let down by London -- the inconsistent and generally dismal tube services with their constant signal failures and closure (Circle/District is Abysmal) but rising fares, the short store opening hours, the high cost of living...

But then something like this happens. And the way the City responds awes, stuns, amazes me. Humbles me.

And I reminded why I love this city. Why this is the right place for me to be, my city of dreams.

Another entry at London.metblogs: the persistent city